Trust within two people devoted to each other is the most fundamental ingredient necessary for two people to live together with assurance and commitment. Just as trust is the foundation of your relationship with your statue (your self), you must also have trust for the person that you are committed to in your whatsoever life. When trust has been violated in a relationship, you begin to question the basis of your partner’s commitment and their promises to you on every level. Without a dramatic change in this trend the entire relationship is in jeopardy.

There are many behaviors that can destroy trust in a friendship, boy friend, girl friend or whatever relationship. A breach of trust can result from being caught in a lie or a series of deceptive actions, by breaking commitments, flirting with another person, or from engaging in a seemingly/ pre meditated adulterous relationship. If any of these offenses have occurred in your marriage the confidence between you and your spouse will be shattered.
If your relationship with your special other is to survive, trust must be restored, and a new relationship must be established. But you may be wondering, is this realistically possible?

Honest Admission. Restoring trust I like to think would be an honest confession by the offending other half, concerning the displeasure that has occurred. Truthfulness is always the first step in all reconciliation. Don’t talk shit be honest or else.
Only when a person becomes completely honest about the facts of an offense will the declaration of guilt and bad behavior be treated as sincere. An honest answer is like a gift or an offering. However, continued deceit is like slapping your other in the face.
If you tell half-truths or doctor information to make yourself appear innocent, and your other finds out later that you’ve lied, it will be as if you had done the same shit all over again.

Modesty. Your attitude when you come clean is just as important. If you try and justify yourself and shift the blame to your other, you will set up an immediate roadblock to reconciliation. You need a healthy dose of humbleness if you ever expect to receive your others forgiveness. You must understand that your arrogance is one of the fundamental reasons your relationship has deteriorated in the first place. Begin by being honest.
Be submissive to one another without looking like a punk, and be clothed with an unassuming nature, because people ether resists or embrace the conceited ether way it’s trouble.

Happy Birthday to me Happy Birthday to me Happy Birthday dear WilliamHappy birthday to me. Happy Birthday My brother Anthony and Happy Fathers day Anthony and to my Grand Mother who was also my father pretty much made me who I am today and to my Mom also being a father as well. As for my dad? Well, good luck trying to find out what a father to william is like because you blew your chance buddy.

April eats my Birthday Sandwich with me...

Close Call My faith has been restored in my half-ass new life style of the Zazen practice. I was starting to get this numb dumb feeling the more I acclimated the ideas and ways of Zen my life and mostly my pool game. I was about to quite it and go back to my old what xxxxxtoria calls “Clare Dane ways” until I came across something written in this book I am reading titled The Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey.

Here are few things written that kinda gave me a new out look on handling the unexpected result in my reconstructing attitude toward life, my existence and mostly for my pool game.

“ Calmness does not mean lack of concern; it means the ability to separate the real from the unreal and thereby to take sensible action.”

“ Judgment is the act of assigning a negative or positive value to an event”“ The initial act of judgment provokes the thinking process”

“ Man is a thinking reed but his great works are done when he is not calculating and thinking. Childlikeness has to be restored with long years of TRANING in self-forgetfulness.”

“Great music and art are said to arise from the quiet depths of the unconscious.”

I was getting a little nervous about my calm serine attitude towards people places and things. I wasn’t having any motivation to do anything but just stare with out judgment, what the fuck are you suppose to do then? Nothing? Ill just keep the Zen thing on the table. and off my art work and wrting. ill keep the fire burning there.

High School Fun
My nephew was telling me he is going to enter his first year of high school soon, so he was asking me what it was like back in the olden days, I told him everything was in black and white and I made sure the apple didn’t have a worm in it. I forgot to mention to him the fun and not so fun parts. Hormones, homework and hooky, the three “H’s” one cant really avoid during the growing process in High school. One of my not so favorite part of high school was the “he say she say thing”. “ Fix me up on a date thing” “are they getting hooked up thing”, “ he said then she said”, “ but I heard you said that she said that he said to her and then he said to him the she said he said,” or my favorite “I’m not the only one who thinks so but I wont say who else said it because I don’t want to start any trouble.” these were my fun days. Looking back and thinking, wow did I really behave that way for the sake of what ever, who ever, when ever, how ever or even simply to be just dumb and immature. What is immature? Lets find out.

I am so glad I am not immature anymore. “AaAawooOOoOowwaaAaOOooOoo” give me my cookies...oh sorry.

A William fact: Did you know that the Mtv cartoon Daria was based on my freshman year collage class. Not the character Daria but Darias class mates and best freind and sister.

Yesterday this dude…
He was saying why he lost his game to his opponent or why his opponent won the race. Never had a good line, he gave me bad leaves blah-blah-blah. I personally don’t hold on to my wins and losses; or least I try not too. I think I have said and written this more than once already in the last 12 months. Hitting your self for losing or patting your self on the back for winning doesn’t help anything but your ego, and ego should not be your drive for a game. And besides, don’t you know your win only last as long as you next challenge. So why hang on to it like a tonic? Some guys treat a win like it’s a heroin drug fix. Your win wears off and its out for another score again.
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George was telling me during the cab ride home he feels bad playing people he gets along with; dido for me-sometimes. I was watching him shoot at the 9ball-E-bar thing and I can tell he was more on his “D -” Game than anything. He was having fun anyway. I think I have written before that not giving some one your game is an insult to your opponent and bad karma but what if stroking your ego is not your intention? Or the whole fear of not being liked or the whole being resented by your opponent is in the back of your head thing?
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Some people would rather be amused
Communication can sometimes be a tense volley. How you handle it is up to you. If you are told something you don’t like to here or some one insinuates something about you or something is said to you that you feel is not true weather it be about you or someone you know, your response can be a key indication of how you are feeling or who you are at the moment or indefinitely. Fishing for reaction or compliments or insults can be a dangerous thing. I notice I fish a lot, I need to stop. I feel like my motherboard is cracked in a vital spot and I have to modify it to function normal again. The back thing has effected my perception. I feel like I am going backwards. It might be my discovering the whole new numb feelings I have attained since my Zazen practices. I might have looked into it to deeply and now I am all screwed up inside my head. Feeling can be fire sometimes and I need my fire. I went from William Shatener to Mr. Spok, now it’s all about Bones Mc Coy; spinal bones, why is this happening to me.

Say hello to Susan

Anatomy of a Shark
by Jay Wegener
The first thing that pops to mind when a pool player hears "shark" is hustler, but this column is concerned with the other pool-related type of shark.
Definition: Shark: The movement, words or occurrences, intentional or not, that cause an a pool player to miss a shot.
Being sharked has to do with the shooter losing concentration, an interruption of the shooting routine or breaking the shooter’s rhythm. Just what is this phenomenon? What can be done to counter it?
INTENTIONAL SHARKS:
The OBVIOUS Shark: This is the one that people normally talk about as to why the shot was missed. We’ve all seen it and, to be honest, most of us have probably done it at one time or another in our pool-playing life. The most famous and most often-used shark is standing in the shooter’s line of sight. Of course, the sharker doesn’t just stand there quietly. He (or she) may chalk his (or her) cue, bounce it on its rubber butt-guard, twirl it like a baton, shuffle his (or her) feet, drink a beverage, talk with his hands, etc. The point is, some kind of motion is made in the shooter’s line of sight in order to diminish his concentration level and produce a missed shot. This type of shark is what I call a physical shark, a movement shark. It will always occur in the shooter’s line of sight. In the same vein are the:
1.Get out the money shark. The shooter is on the money ball and the sharker takes the money out to pay off the potential loss.
2.Quick turn - something’s wrong shark. The sharker makes a sudden move just before the shooter’s last stroke.
3.Breaking down the cue shark. The shooter is on the set-winning run out and the run looks so obvious that the sharker breaks down his cue. More?

Some relevant links and other for your game
http://www.tennisserver.com/mental-equipment/me-archive.html |
http://www.angelfire.com/pa/TWGOLF/golftipsa.html#3 |

I was reading on
Jay Wegener stuff on Sharking and I don’t agree with it entirely. It used to bother me when the opponent does jerky things before or during my shots but now I don’t even notice anymore. Everything around the table almost vanishes when I am on my shot or shooting. If I am not mistaken I think there are rules in the professional game of billiards that won’t allow those kinds of behavior anyway with out it turning into a technical lose.

It's 4:08 now I feel funny.

I have this dipping feeling.

Like I am about to be presented with a problem I already know the answer too. Well too bad for the that, at this point in my current health right now I feel so irritated with it I don’t want to be bothered with anything. I am as angry as I am impatient; youth go figure. My back is still killing me, what the fuck is going on. Some dude told me this is the month of the bad back; moons and stars and shit.

I don’t know to much about it but I do know right now I cant even go down on my shot and its bugging the hell out of me. I have not played for a week, not even practice strokes; grrrrrrrr. I’ll call Aaron and see what he is doing. Boy my head is spinning.

Sorry about the resent tardiness on my site. For the last three four days I have been immobile in my bed with not one but “two” herniated disk.
But not to woory I have much to say very soon. So in the mean time I will leave you with a very sincere. Ouch the pain….

I am a little irritated.
I shouldn’t be according to my new Zazen practices, but I am, I guess I am still learning. One. I just don’t get people sometimes. Every time I let my guard down and put trust and faith in some ones word I get slapped in the face, home work, personal, all of it. I went to BBC and waited for my party too shoot with me at 6:30 I waited and played. If there were a trophy for the best game for a guy who plays alone I would be the NYC champion. I finished at 9:00pm I was alone. Even though I sort of expected nobody to show up I was still hoping. The whole time I was waiting for my party to show up my spinal cord was just getting worse. I logged out with a throbbing pain in my lower back and one in my head. Just as I was about to leave Aaron walked in and we went to eat. On the way to the burger joint he asked were is xxxxx? I said I don’t know? I thought she was going to meet me at BBC and we were going to shoot. I guess she got board with shooting being she started at 3:00 pm in the afternoon.
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Aaron and me ate like racehorses at "Ps" burger joint. Then after the food we shot pool for a few hours with bellies full of meat and potatoes. The irritation didn’t start with me getting stood up today, it actually started when my back got thrown out; Sunday night. My game is affected because of this old injury and now my attitude is as well, I am thinking thought’s I shouldn’t be thinking, but like a wounded animal I am very angry I cannot escape this pain. This is one of the many things irritating me, my back is getting better but it first has to get worse. Today was the worse and tomorrow it will not be any better.
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From one pain to the next
Today I got news I wont see my new check until the fiscal year is up. I thought it was June 6th, now I heard I was July 15th, dam, what a pain in the neck that is; and a pain in the wallet as well. Today xxxxx “unintentionally” embarrasses me to her friend’s at her job and plays a personal message I gave to her. “AaAawooOOoOowwaaAaOOooOoo” First the news about my raise then I get stood up and then my pool game is sluggish because of my brain stem being connected to my injured spinal cord. On top of that, Adam told me he was going to drive me home after I waited like a dick head for him. I waited for him for an hour then at the last second I get a phone message from him that he is not going to pick me up for personal reason, Sorry William, maybe next time.

Purple Pain. Looking at the bright side
What is the meaning of this? Things can be worse. The moon is waning though. And William does not like to shoot under a waning moon. And my back is getting better, it could be worse; it could not be getting better. But this is karma I guess I maybe this is some sign to stay home for a change.

It’s amazing how some people wont change.
There are some guys I know who have a short memory span problem, always repeating the same things over and over again. Then there are some people I know who do remember very well current events but not in the right order. Then there are those who are in complete denial of what is happening in front of them.

Reason, justifies the methods but doesn’t excuse you for your actions.
Not that I am making and excuse for anyone. I mean, you must take responsibility for your actions no matter what your intentions are. Today I was reminded of something very important. Do not judge a book bye its cover. I found a little sleazy book on the street I picked it up and when I opened it was a tragic romance novel.

The first page was dirty with visuals. It started with my stupid comment about how yummy it looks and then the book followed with dirty visuals. The pages went on with a few of the Ten Commandments being broken but then there was this line on the page that gave the whole reason why this book is so dirty. It did not matter how dirty or how graphic the pages became after that. The reason for it was romantic and tragic. Fear was the primary reason for this lode and crude writings but I suspect it is also abuse.

I was almost tempted to read it further but I feared I didn’t have the means to follow through with it all the ways. I feared I did not have the strength to stay with it till the end, I mean for what? Who am I to judge? I am not a monk or a priest to help those who are lost or holding up a sword to everything around them. Is there a reward for this? Should there be? Then again there is also regret.

William And Brian at the Grand Saloon, butt burger time

Talking about last Friday May 2004
Ever since I started to put into practice Zen with myself and others and stop being so judgmental toward people, I don’t have much to say these days. Every man must make his own decision even if you think they are making a mistake; there is a reason for everything. I don’t take insults and sassiness to personal from anybody with projected issues any more. When I did take it personal in my younger past perhaps I needed too take it personal, perhaps so I can have a foundation for my self-assurance, of whom I am and were I come from. Looking back at what I was going through at the end of last year and the beginning of this year and a little of my life in general, I was quit the queenly boy. Am I now being judgmental when I write this about my self?

Still talking about FridayMay 2004
Lets see. Today I went to practice pool. I need to do drills. Things are not as they used to be with V.L and me. We went to Ace bar and laugh about my drama queenly-ness during the cold season of Nov 2003. I am still embarrassed about it but I still laugh. But I think I needed that to happen. Holding it in, (my anger and frustration), only makes me shout out “louder” latter on than need be.
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The Cheese.
I did something a little manipulative today, but I wont say what it is. But I will leave it with “Aden wasn’t there, too bad.

The last Saturday
I spoke to VL today and learned that she has the same views of certain kinds people I used to have. I am about 23 years older than she is so it is normal for her to see this way. I was that way for along time and I am happy I was. It is defiantly the right direction.
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People will sometime compromise their happiness for another’s happy-ness, most of the times a loved one. It is hard to deal with feelings and emotions that sit in the pit of your stomach. But this is what shapes us, lets us know or reminds us what we are made of. It is very noble to think of a loved one before thinking of your self. But noble doesn’t necessarily make you smart, or helps you make the right decision. If one is prepared for any penalty of there decisions than it is the right one.

xxxxx thinks I am Wack... xxxxx thinks I am not so hot...3:55pm I asked xxxxx if she has anything to say, she says no I ask why, she says I am Wack.

Clare Dayns
4:21 pm Just when it was getting interesting on the phone with real emotions not just some William the clown and xxxxxtoria the entertained, xxxxxtoria hangs up on me, talk about sensitive. Whenever we start real communication she goes away, vanishes does not recipicate.

Maybe she is right. Just because my buddy losses faith in my ability to lead doesn’t mean I should crush a pack of cookies. Maybe this is why my game is the way it is now. If I held it in (the hurt), like a poison I'd still be the same level I was when I started. You don’t grow with out water; tears are sometime good for watering the soil or the soul. I have five leaves on my plant, some others just have two or three. I want more leaves so I will keep on watering.
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The Jungle Book
I grew up with gorillas, cold insensitive gorillas. Maybe that is why I cherish my emotions, my feeling. I don’t have that truck driver mentality to laugh at my feelings or others who don’t hold it in.
Being honest with your emotions is a lot tougher than pretending your not hurt. It’s real easy for me to laugh at anything with emotional content. It is real easy for me to act like a truck driver. But it’s not so easy to tell the truth without fear of being ridiculed, yelled at or laugh at. I look back at my handling of personal issues and comment on it with critic or with a kind of observation to grow from the experience and say; good for me.