whom I am kidding? I
sense this new texture inside. Oh boy, feelings, how corny. I eat
a lot and then I feel better, or maybe it was
the activity that took my body and mind off
of this mood I am in, this mood of blankness.
Its easy, and relearning it is taking me back
to were I left off. Now that I am fully refreshed,
I remember why I chose not to use it too much,
browser issues, it’s not sexy when developing
it visually, you are mostly encoding the images
than anything else. Now that I know it, (CSS,
JS) I really don’t have a reason to use
it being that XHTML and some-CSS is doing most
of what I want. Most, Hm? That might be a key
word here. I am mostly happy but not fully with
the way things are going with me right now. I’m
healthy happy and whole but kind of empty inside.
I must be carefull with what I wish for; maybe
I should not look a gift horse in the mouth.
I feel sad and mad and grateful at the same time.
Things are good, but I don’t see then getting
any better unless I change something drastically.
I got plastered on Friday night, maybe just out
of sheer boredom, or maybe I wanted to get numb,
so I did. I got numb, thank goodness Eric came
into the bar and took me home cause I would’ve
woke up on the sidewalks of who knows were. What
is numb? Being dumb? Why does one seek this numbness?
All kinds of reasons I guess. Mine is simple
to know but not so simple to execute. Fear? Fear
might be the reason. Fear of what? If I new what
then maybe I wouldn’t need to change anything…
2:00am Already on my
3:00am Sara gives me
10:30am The Big Cinnamon
It's ok once a week...
And with all the food in my stomach, The
Old J was going down smoothly
Untill shot number
6 at around 3:00am.
some point during the evening that
I can hardly remember, I went across
to the Sushi Joint to see some of my
Eric saves me.
woke up still drunk... its not the
when I woke up... I was greeted with
happy times for the Abominable Snowman.
Jason and few other of my peeps play the Qulifier
I'll write more stuff later about
Wed night and Thursday night.
Thursday early Afternoon
Hm? Yeah, ya-know. I don’t know. Ok,
so, here is my entry, on this early afternoon
(1:45pm) on Thanksgiving Day. It’s raining
outside, here, in D’uh boogie down. Turkey,
it was an issue, a small one, for about two
days, its over now, it’s really not the
turkey that’s bothering me, much, sort
of, maybe, or getting ready for dinner with
family and friends, comrades, close acquaintances
or whatever. I have been having a developing
fervor in me lately on all kinds of levels.
It started a little before October.
I over heard an old friend say the other day, “I
have a temperature of a 101 degree’s”.
I wanted to help but I know he wont let me,
I felt bad, and I don’t see anyone making
efforts to help him ether. I feel awful about
it. Also, Tom has not called me back since
his liberation, after making a final decision
that’s probably been bugging him for
the longest already. I am glad I was of some
help, but now I feel a little dog-eared about
it; just a little.
Sometimes I can be a real mannequin head.
I want to help people all the time, my friends,
my family ECT. Half of the time, when I am
given an (or take the) opportunity to make
a difference in ones liberation or health,
afterward, I feel anomalous, imbalanced, one
with no harmony, floating on my back in the
middle of the ocean waiting for a rainstorm.
My grandmother was a loving supportive person,
feeding homeless people, giving money to dead
beat relatives and neighbors, spoiling me rotten,
maybe I don’t want to help anyone, it
may be, I was influenced to help everyone?
Or maybe I just have Spiderman complex? Anyway,
I was ill, poisoned, about a month ago, since
then, I have been feeling healthy and then
feeling relapse and feeling good again and
now I feel expressionless on this early afternoon
of Thanksgiving. I feel imperceptive. I feel
incensed. Its that weightiness you get in side
of your torso, some were in the center, a solidity,
like you want to yell or engage in some sort
of activity involving running or some physical
motion to vomit out that entity inside speaking
to you not in words but in some alien internal
nephew came to my home today, to pick up
a game controller, his was broken. While getting
the controller for him I noticed he was fiddling
with his jacket, “what wrong with your
jacket I asked?’ He showed me a zipper
was broken on one of the pockets. I fixed it
by sewing on a new zipper, did it one-two-three.
I got the sewing skills as well as cooking.
He was happy, and then I gave him money to
take a cab home and a few more extra bucks
for his pocket. I love my nephew and I wanted
to make his thanks giving a little more tolerable
being he said to me while I was fixing pocket
zipper, “ today so far is not such a
good thanksgiving day”. I don’t
know what his reason is for saying that, but
I don’t know the exact reason why I am
feeling a little blah as well.
End of essay
7:50pm Thursday Night A little
I just ate a Thanksgiving meal cooked by my
mom … There is weight in my stomach that
is heaver than the one in my being, I feel better.
Had a meal with my brother and mother and now
to faint. Oh wait I cant…got to go to
Adrian and Serafina’s place. I hope I can
make it; wait I’ve fallen, and I can’t
SAT Night : Oh My
Stars... Jennie once used a claw bridge
been of late were people are snapping at
me as if I robbed them of something and got
away with it.
I am almost
reluctant to respond to any verbal, casual
communication; even about the weather cause
I already see invitation for conflict. It’s
funny watching the change of others around
scary to experience this, change. Not wanting
to let go of old ways. Ya can’t really
see what’s ahead or perhaps you can and
don’t want it. Safety in old ways, once
you mastered it, most will not want to move
on, comfort is what most seek.
bold and brave and with much confidence in
themselves for the future. Security is what
we need to feel safe and a safety net to bail
us out when things get to tuff.
fund kids, most of em make me sick.
Morning: Lets see. Was up and running
in the ungodly hour of 6:00am Saturday
Morning. Saw some art of one of my
fellow peeps and realized, “Hey
I invited to this event?” Then
baby-sat kids four hours and hours
on end. Then went to shoot pool and
just made balls without thinking how
to do it. I sunk 44 balls in
a row before I missed a shot. Of
course only one guy saw most of the
whole thing. The last time I ran a
table like that was about four years
ago when pool was new to me. I stopped
shooting, then went to bye ticket to
a Horror fest and then went back to
shoot some more only to see I couldn’t
make a ball to save my life. I guess
one can blow a load in something other
than just sex.
Art Show I was not Invited too
afternoon: Adrian and Serafina were
there. Serafina was spanking us, Serafina
is getting good. Except wearing the
headphone thingy cause she didn’t
want to hear me inflict my religion
and principles of pool anymore.
the objective slows your development,
sure it’s a good motivation
for practice but its practice that
will get you wear you want to go
with the game of pool, and when you
get good at pool, winning will be
inevitable along with winning your
audience with a beautiful stroke
and performance on the table. Winning
is just more than just winning the
game, what ever that is, its winning
the buoyancy and conviction of your
abilities of those around you.
strength of your influence can tell
you were you are and wear you are going,
I went to see 8films
to die for with some peeps,
Anja, Jennie, Jimmy and a few others.
It should have been called 8films to
cry for; those movies were so lame
compared to there advertisement.
was a Russian foreign horror film and
the other was something like made for
video cause it just wouldn’t
cut it on the Hollywood big screen.
movies had something in there about
life going full circle or something,
films were named “Abandon
and Penny Dreadful”.
I had enough Russian horror for one
day and enough dreadful-ness to last
the rest of the month.
it was Sushi and Saki and Jack
and Jameson and Buds. I hadn’t
had a drink in about a month so
I figured its ok to have a few.
all had a large one before Penny
Dreadful and then Jennie and I
had some Sake and then some Jack-Daniels
and then some Jameson.
one more Horror movie called-
like the other movie ‘Penny
dreadful’ about a girl who
is trapped in car wedged between
two trees, a dead body in the driver
seat and a killer waiting for her
on the outside, the other movie, ‘Jennie
Regretful’, is about a young
lady who weighs about 115 pounds
and drank about two pounds of booze
and got stuck in her car with a
killer waiting for her on the outside,
a killer hangover.
had a small one myself but that’s
ok, I hadn’t had a drink
in over a month and I have been
sleeping better so it’s all-good.
Your integrity for handling booze
gets stronger when you drink in
bridge covers the gap between
two ends or two beginings
6AM on Saturday
I ran 44 balls ia a
later Serafina tears me and Adrian some
so I was told this about 10 years ago some
were on the road in an iHop. Today, I saw
Emi and Gina on the way going home from my
Tuesday night match. My old dear friends,
it was van-tastic. My body is relapsing form
the booze and lack of coffee; yes still.
From 4 cups a day to one. On Tuesday while
night drinking my Virgin Mary. Aki says “you
need a break” I don’t know if she
meant a break from taking a break or continue
with what I am doing. I have been studying
new Internet languages and it’s giving
me a headache. Yesterday I went to bed three
in the morning and did the same on Monday as
well; I can feel it already, its bad. Today
I will sleep lovely. I need more sleep. More
rest. It’s too soon to go back into the
whole Zombie thing, even though it was nice
bumping into Emi and Gina randomly on an empty
Tuesday night street 1:00pm in the morning.
I really miss the road, the travel.
On Wed I
not by man
but by machine. I think I ended up feeding
a family of six from now until Christmas. Looks
like little Billy is going to get the Lego
set and grandma is going to get that rocking
chair and dear old dad is going to get that
twin blade lawnmower, compliments of malfunctioning
ATM machines. What a nightmare. It got resolved
today. Still, some family out there is going
to have a great holiday.
had coffee for the first time in about three
or so odd weeks since my chicken and James
poisoning a week before Halloween. I feel
better, stronger, and a little smarter; all
due too sleep no booze, no vitamin supplements
and no hanging till three in the morning six
days a week on three hours of sleep, been doing
that for the last four years, time to take
a break, this is good except there is one
kind of bugging me.
Since my retreat to the domestic
life style rest thing. I noticed in the land
of domestic Zombie people. People,
with high maintenance standards for mediocre
domestic living basics are really annoying,
thses standards seem more lie issues to me. One
example of this issue is, not liking how your
salami is being cut at the deli. I wanted to
make a sandwich today so I went to the local
deli in my hood, at the deli this dude and
his wife was in front of me asking for ham,
cheese and salami. The deli guy cut the ham
cheese and salmon pretty good, but the pain
in the ass guy did not like the way the salami
was cut. The salami was to thick according
to the pain in the ass, but the six people
behind him waiting their turn to make an order
saw that it was a good cut. The pain in the
ass said, “this
salami needs to be thinner”, so instead
of being satisfied the salami was cut 1.5
centimeters thick the pain in the ass wanted
it one-centimeter thick.
like that; who makes a big deal out mediocrity,
to me? This is the pronouncement of petty
mind thinking, dude? Get a fucken
to be married to a guy like that, mind you,
his wife was standing there the whole time
he was bitching and moaning about his salami
being to thick, she didn’t
say a word she just looked embarrassed. Can
you imagine? “I
made you a sandwich honey.” “Huh,
the ham is not square enough and its to thick,
eat this I’m sorry.” I
bet you his mother took the crust off of
his bread when she made him a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich in his childhood.
guy would comprise love and care for petty
preference at the coast of a loved ones feelings.
Believe it or not, I do know a few people
who would compromise their health for detrimental
recreation, like smoking. We all do unhealthy
things once in a while but to live that
way for to long a time? Anyway I got so
annoyed I walk away and opt to cook instead.
Coffee makes me happy.
Weather its Kudos beans, from the bodega
or instant, it all freaking beans…
I was not drinking, I still get drunk looking
can take the Cell Phone out of the ghetto but
you cant take the ghetto out of the cell phone. I grew up in the ghetto, the projects,
the south-Bronx, I got out, or so I thought.
phone offices around the city offer Cell phones,
user accounts (minutes and free weekends and
so on), packages with a standard two-year contract
and options for different kinds of cell phone
styles like Blackberries Palm-pilots and whatever
else-small device you talk too. Then they have
those other places were they sell cell phones
with cell phone company-logos and posters slaped
and smothering the store walls, but, the store
itself is not actually a official cell phone
home office company. Anyway, both official and
un-official cell phone business are both dreadful
places to do dealings with. Especially since
now you can’t live
life without a cell phone. These places are like
Mc Donald’s, all the people
who work there are barley legal hooligan kids
from the projects. The people that work in these
places are so-so sketchy, even the managers are
shadey. Ya- got these ghetto kids working behind
the counter with a computer that has access to
a server some were on planet earth with all your
important information about you on it, meaning
your address date of birth and social security
number. I really don’t feel comfortable
knowing that the burro thug behind the computer
register can take my S.S.N and tag it on a toilet
stall partition or sell it to some hacker kid
in whatever foreign country and use my identity
for the next shipment of 24 sweatshop workers
for canal street. I went to update my phone the
other day and damn, what a reality check I got.
No matter whom I turned to in there for assistance,
it was a guarantee I was going to be addressed
with “Nah-Yo, I don’t now if your
phone is PC or Mac compatible dawg, what-eva-dat-means,
why don’t-ya-get-dis-one, dere’s
a speaker on the front, (like a Cell phone boom
box) so you and everyone around you can listen
to your tunes!”
Sumtin-made with Fish, Rice and Seaweed
It was good, Rice,
Fish and Seaweed in any comb is like a Ghetto
could be the lack of Booze, and coffee in my
system and getting decent nights rest.
But for some reason, the last couple of years
of my life is starting to look like. Well… the
last couple of years. I have written a few
times before in past entries how sometimes
when I don’t
sleep healthy for long periods of time the
days last longer than 24 hours, even when I
go to bed and wake up I am still in that day
I lay to sleep. Sometimes yesterday never leaves
and stepping out of bed seems like page one
continued, like 24 hours goes into hour 25
then hour 26 then hour 27 and then I am on
hour 253 and still feeling hour 14. Now that
I have actually dreamt, every day for the last
week and remember what I have dreamt, waking
up a little refreshed is kind of resetting
my thoughts and ideas about what I am doing
and what I have been doing theses last few
years and were I am going now. I am going on
two weeks on no stimuli (coffee) and no liquid
downers (booze) except maybe tea in the afternoon.
I played with Aki on Friday night at the pool
hall and my game was a bit on the not there
side. I shot with little enthusiasm for the
ball in the hole but still manage to get it
in there, muscle memory I guess. I feel the
weight coming on. Why isn’t Julie
wearing her new coat?
Anyway I just
got on one of my MySpace buddies space and saw
some of the Halloween pics of the party she threw
invites out too. I kind of wanted to go and bring
some of the team but my health and sensibilities
let me. I was glad I got the rest but a little
bummed I didn’t go. The reasons for not
going is not what is bothering me. What bothering
me is what I have re-discovered about myself
for not going? Its been what? 6 years since I
have been in the bar scene, the pool scene? Its
always in the end is when you think about the
beginning. Wow, it is amazing what 8 hours of
sleep a day for weeks in a row along with not
drinking and cinnamon bun bubble bath can do for
All dried up.
Its always in the end is when you think about
not going to brag, and people
who know me-know I am not in
the habit of beating my drum
about anything, except about
one thing, I know how to cook,
very well, so well I can be
a chef in any 3-star resturaunt
in NYC, I think. Cooking is
a respiratory infection due to the food and Alcohol
poisoning I had last Monday. No party for me.
Must go to bed. Right before sunset on Halloween
night I made a mad-dash for the train before
I go and inflicted some more abuse on my poor
beat up body. Who the hell is not going to drink
on Halloween Night in NYC? Booze and penicillin
I think time is starting to catch up with me.
Too much booze and smoke. I had my options to
do the loud and crazy, see all the sexy costumes
and stuff, but I go home take a bath in my pumpkin
paradise slather and slept instead. By 11:00pm
I was in dreamland. Slept well too. I’m
glad I did, cause I know I’d be paying
for it today if I didn’t.
had a cup of coffee, d’uh juice or
cigs in over a week. Been eating a lot
though, WeEeEeEe! I didn’t quit anything,
I’m just de-toxing, I have to or
its curtains. I might be coffee relapsing,
maybe. The penicillin made me break out,
I look like a hormonal teenager, and I’m
also waking up under a circus tent. My
Tuesday team had a bye; WeeEEEeEEe. I
haven’t been off on Tuesday for years.
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